Hola! A few months back, I gave some foolproof pointers on how to crush your office holiday party and Christmas dinner at your girlfriend’s house. Those seem to have gone over swimmingly (aka some idiot didn’t blow up my Twitter feed) so I decided to spread some more of my vast basin of knowledge.
I’m currently traveling internationally for the first time. I’ve been in Spain now for a little more than 24 hours, which makes me a seasoned international traveler. If you’ve never traveled overseas before and tend to take advice from strangers on the Internet, the following international travel tips are just for you!
On the flight over, do lunges in the aisle and wall sits next to the prettiest woman on the plane. Make sure you get a good sweat going to show the rest of the passengers that you take no days off. Bonus points if you ask the stewardess if they have any Muscle Milk.
Act annoyed every time someone asks you to show your passport for proof of identification. What, my Wheaton Public Library card won’t do?
Offer everybody you meet a piece of gum. If they politely decline, ask “Are you suuuure you don’t need a piece of gum?” while unpackaging it and forcing it towards their mouth anyways.
Treat anybody who doesn’t speak English like a child. In fact, don’t refer to it as English, but instead as “American.”
Confront every boy aged 14-20 and ask them if they will pose for a picture because your sister is “A huge 1D fan,” and you’re sad to hear they’re taking a break. If they act confused, just assure them that really the picture is for your own private “collection.”
If you spot someone wearing US sports apparel, engage them in an in depth analysis about off season trade rumors and strategy. Even if they don’t speak American.
Everywhere you go, make sure you loudly comment to your travel companion that “This is DEFINITELY where ‘The Bourne Supremacy’ was filmed.” Don’t forget to follow up by mentioning that ‘Supremacy’ is by far the worst movie of the trilogy.
Stop anybody you see with a cigarette in their hand and lecture them on the dangers of secondhand smoke and nicotine addiction.
If anybody asks where in the US you’re from, tell them “All you need to know is that Clooney’s my neighbor.”
Complain to a local police official about the state of the cobblestone roads, explaining that if you tweak an ankle your Thursday night softball team is done for.
If you’re traveling with a female and she asks a local for help getting somewhere, immediately usher her away and chastise her, explaining that “This is how Taken started.”
While down at the local watering hole, make sure you bring up to a group of local guys how you’re your office’s defending fantasy football champion.
If anybody mentions they play real futbol, act interested while nudging the same group of guys and calling him a “field fairy” under your breath.
Instead of going and seeing Christopher Columbus’s tomb, stay inside the air conditioned hotel and write a column on how to act like a complete jackass while traveling.