Everything You Need To Know About Relationship Layups

Here are a few helpful shortcuts to keep your relationship strong without actually putting forth much effort.

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John is a stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and he has performed in comedy clubs across the country, opening for national headliners such as Colin Kane. John sometimes will say exactly what he's thinking and it gets him in trouble. It gets me in trouble. This was John the whole time. I'm sorry for being dishonest. Ehh no I'm not.


I've never had coffee. Not for a particular reason besides being able to tell people I've never had coffee.


Comedy, film, music and television. Bulls Bears and Blackhawks. Large group birthday dinners with lots of people I don't know.


Celebrity Blogger

I don’t claim to be a perfect boyfriend. In fact, the Capital R Roommate might disagree entirely. I’m obsessed with fantasy football,  miserable to travel with and don’t generally do a very good job of following rules. We get it John, you want us to read your stuff.

I’ve lived with her for over a year now. Being around someone everyday as they see you in your best and your worst moments is the true test of a relationship. It’s good practice for later in life and helps the both of you grow together as a couple. It allows her the chance to see you for who you actually are.

Unfortunately for many guys like myself, who I actually am is just that, a guy. Guys are guys, and by that I mean guys are lazy. Speaking on behalf of all men everywhere I can’t tell you how happy it makes us to just do nothing. There’s a reason this line from Office Space stands the test of time:

Women as a sex aren’t as capable of doing nothing, and therein lies the problem when it comes to a co-living situation. I’ve come up with a few helpful shortcuts over this past year to keep your relationship strong without actually putting forth much effort. I call them relationship layups and I’d like to share them with you. Dead man walking!

Don’t be the “flower guy.” Be the “very random few times a year flower guy.” 

A lot of guy’s go-to move early in a relationship is to buy flowers. Well I’m entering year three of birthday’s, V-Days and anniversaries so flowers are played out. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still want them. Pick one random weekday every three months to just have fresh flowers out when she comes home. Whatever she was probably mad at you about will give way to confusion as she wonders, “What the hell did I do to deserve these?”

Absolutely nothing. You just pulled off the relationship LAYUP, and you ran the play to perfection.

Now we can skip that dumb hike idea AND I get to pick the movie we’re seeing. Also, go Bears.

Do seemingly random, pre planned gestures that she won’t notice for a few days to “surprise her” 

Guys, we may be lazy but we’re not idiots. After awhile you know the cutesy, stupid things your girl gets excited about. Now if you notice something you could set up a few days in advance that will score you brownie points down the road, take advantage.

Here’s an example. Recently I was going through some stacks of paper, sorting out stuff I wanted to throw away. I came across a photo booth picture from one of the five hundred weddings we went to this summer. Normally this would go straight in the trash. But I remembered. She’s a woman. She loves photographic reminders of things that happened in real life around her. I was pumped because I knew what this meant. It meant that I had another uncontested LAYUP.

So I found a piece of tape and put it up in the far bottom left corner of our bathroom mirror and I waited. When I heard her squeals of delight when she discovered it a day or two later I knew that I had successfully come across as thoughtful, in touch with my emotions and nostalgic. Probably saved me $150 on dinner and all I had to do was tape some trash to the mirror.

Hey John, what kind of poor idiot doesn’t own a medicine cabinet?

Take notes when you can.

When the sun goes down, I moonlight as a stand up comedian. One of the things I rely on the most to improve as a comedian is the Notes app on my iPhone. Here I jot down random thoughts or ideas for bits that pop into my head and review them later. It’s also where I write down a good amount about her.

Not her favorite food, the name of her cousins or her bra size. Actually, maybe her bra size. I write down the random things that I’ll hear her mention offhand that she wants ONCE. Listen, if your girl wants a puppy, she’ll let you know she wants a puppy. However if she mentions casually to somebody that she wants something, whip out that phone and write it down, brother. There’s literally a clear path to the hoop for a coast to coast LAYUP.

For example, the Capital R Roommate is a Chargers fan (don’t hold it against her). When the team rolled out their baby blue alternative uniforms last season she said out loud at the bar, “Cool, I want one of those!” Knowing her favorite player was Philip Rivers (you CAN hold that against her) I did some quick research and saw that his contract was up. So I made a note of it in my phone. No way in hell was I buying her a hundred dollar jersey of a player who could get traded away 12 weeks later.

Then this August, Rivers signed a new four year contract with the Bolts. Guess what I had waiting in my underwear drawer for the next time I was in the dog house? This bad boy:

I tossed it to her but it got intercepted.

So there you have it. A handful of ways to make her happier and your life easier. Sure, these could be misconstrued as manipulations instead of loving gestures. What will come as a surprise to exactly half of you is that for guys…we can’t tell the difference.

Catch you next week!


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